-Mable Olivia Miller

Me, with my buddy Coles relaxing in Albany

Dear M.O.M.-

Thanks for your interest in my well-being. Living with my grandparents has certainly been different. For one thing, I have a new arch-nemesis named Kai, which has allowed me to forge closer ties with Coles (see the photo above). I enjoy the quality time here because “grandpa” is retired and gets to hang out with us all the time, and “grandma” comes home and lets me outside the minute she gets home. The best part about that is that Grandma gives me treats as a reward for coming in when she calls. I always go outside when she opens the door, because I know I’ll get fed just for walking back in the door! It doesn’t get much better than that.  Somehow, I’ve managed to keep my trim figure but Coles appears to be packing on the pounds- he can’t get enough Fancy Feast.

Sometimes I miss my “parents” but it’s a nice change of pace living in the East Bay. We actually have heating here, so my paws don’t go numb while I’m sleeping any more the way they did in our unheated apartment in San Francisco. Also, I don’t have to pose for as many degrading photos.

For other cats in this situation, my advice is to milk it for all it’s worth!

Yours truly,

Javier

Nothing like a fine cabernet

Dear Javier, 

I feel inadequate every time I go out to a dinner with business associates and my colleagues start talking about wine. Everyone seems to have something to say except for me. How can I avoid making a fool out of myself the next time I find myself in this predicament? 

Sincerely, 

Wineless in Wisconsin

I don’t know exactly when this started, but over the last few years I’ve developed a fierce aversion to crowds. I used to go to outdoor concerts, street fairs, art openings, whatever… by myself or with friends, without hesitation. Now, I can’t tolerate Safeway, the movies, most bars, or even a crowded sidewalk. And MUNI… let’s not even go there! I’m basically avoiding people these days, yet I still crave social interaction. I love this city, and all it has to offer, but I’m just not playing well with others right now. I find myself turning down invitations right and left to parties, events, etc. I need some advice on how to deal with this, especially with tourist season now upon us. Any thoughts?

The Hermit of Haight Street

Dear Hermit,

OMG! I have the same problem! It’s almost like you were reading my mind. When there are parties at my house I often sleep in a box or hide under the table for hours, wanting for it to all be over. Someone usually drags me out and encourages me to face my fears by trying to make me look “cute” and builld up my confidence, but it rarely works and I often retreat to the litter box because it’s the only place where nobody bothers me (for good reason).

A few key things to take care of when you go out of the house:

• Get all of your outdoor shots so you don’t end up with rabies or worse. Actually, rabies is about as bad as it gets.
• If you need extra security, consider wearing a harness. I have a nice sturdy purple one that I like to wear in the yard. My buddy Coles has one too. Our harnesses keep us feeling secure, and we look great lounging in the sun.
• Always be prepared and bring things you’ll need to be comfortable: blankets, toys, sedatives, a raincoat- whatever you think will come in handy.
• Most importantly, learn about your likes and dislikes so you can find an environment where you’ll have a good time.
• It sounds like most of the places you mention don’t have any seating, maybe you should try going to events where you can plop down and make yourself at home. I’ve learned to be comfortable sitting in almost any position, which comes in handy.
• Always bring food with you. Sometimes I let some tuna soak into my neck fur and I can suck it out later if I need a little reassuring comfort in the form of a treat! Do you have a beard?

I hope you have luck in implementing some of my suggestions. I look forward to seeing you at Bay to Breakers, Dolores Park and the Folsom Street Fair!

Yours truly,

Javier

Dear Jason, 

First, let me say I’m thrilled that someone finally asked me another question. I thought I was going to have to rename this site “fabulous photos of Javier” or something similar. I have lots of thoughts on the subject, but since your question was short and right to the point I’ll try to do the same. 

Don’t play hard to get. That’s the oldest trick in the book, and frankly- it doesn’t work. You need to put yourself out there and let the girls know you’re interested. I find the best way to do this is to flop over on my side and roll around on my back at the first sight of a female. This is often accompanied by grunting or purring and flexing of my paws. 

Women see this and they usually melt. They start rubbing my stomach and patting my head and before you know it they’re putty in my hands (paws). I have no reason to think this will not work for you, Jason. Just be sure to look for sharp objects on the ground before you start rolling around. Oh, and it helps to be somewhat well groomed (although people seem to like touching me no matter what I look like). 

Here is all the evidence you’ll need to see that my methods are highly effective:

what are you going to be for Halloween? Do you plan on doing any trick or treating?
Count Scratchula

Dear Count Scratchula,

As far as I know, I’m not going to trick or treat this year. Seeing that I’m almost middle-aged, it would be a little creepy for kittens to see a guy my age out trick-or-treating. I may be dressing up, however. Seeing that my housemate Coles already has the black cat costume on permanently, I think that is out of the question. Besides, who wants all that bad luck?

One option would be to buy one of the many dog costumes available on the internet, since I’m kind of big-boned:

Elvis dog costume

But, I’m not really sure how this would fit. Plus, I would rather dress up like the “Young Elvis” instead of the trashy and drugged-up “Old Elvis”.

Or, I could simply put on a pair of ears and dress up as a different sort of mammal… like say, a rabbit:

Cat dressed as rabbit, or a "cabbit"

That is actually kind of stupid though, almost as dumb as a person dressing up as a cat. Oh, wait, that is actually a popular costume (sorry to any of my readers who dressed up as a “sexy cat” last year). If anyone has any better suggestions, I would love to hear them!

Koko and Charco relax on a pillow

In the words of one of my readers:

These cats live with your landlord’s boss. In this picture, they are taking a break from fighting like big jungle cats, even though they are both very little cats (approx 6 pounds each). The orange one is named Charco, which means “mud puddle” in Spanish, and the black one is named Koko, which means “cricket” in Japanese. Neither of them speak either of those languages. Charco has a bit of a little sister relationship to Koko, just happy to tag along. Koko has a bit of a big sister relationship to Charco, either giving her a hard time or ignoring her completely.

I might point out that the two of these cats together weigh less than me. I’m big-boned though, really.

Another classy shot of Charco:

Charco relaxes on a pillow

And now, a much awaited reader question:

Dear Javier,

I am not a cat, though I like many things that are feline. I like the
whimsical attitude taken to a ball of yarn or flicking string. I like
the cunning stalker quality of the predator puss. I like the fur coat,
unless, of course, it has gotten wet and thus all matted up. However
that is all secondary to my obsession. My question for you, my dear
Javier, is how to gain the flexibility, that you so deftly execute?
What sort of timetable might I look forward to, before I will be able
to gain access to those hard to reach places for a proper cat bath?

Thanking you in advance,

Cat scratch fever

Dear CSF,

I have a confession to make (for some reason I feel like I say that a lot). I am not very flexible, nor do I have a particularly good sense of balance. I groom my front paws, but that’s about it. My human companions groom me all the time to keep my fur looking good. When I lived on my own (on the rough streets of Berkeley) I had dreadlocks EVERYWHERE. This was way back in the day, before tree-sitting was cool. It wasn’t a fashion statement back then, it was because I have such a hard time grooming myself.

I have heard that yoga is good for gaining flexibility, but I don’t leave the house much and when I do I’m usually in a purple harness (I’ll have to explain that later).

Regards,

Javier

I find that I have trouble keeping things to myself. I told everyone that my best friend had an STD — she found out and wants nothing to do with me. As far as I’m concerned a fact is a fact and I can’t help but tell the truth. How do you know where to draw the line? How do you know when something is a ’secret’ versus plain and simple common knowledge?

-distraught and dreary, Ohio

Dear DAD,

Secrets are a tricky thing. By the nature of a secret, it is something you TELL SOMEONE, but they in turn are not supposed to tell anyone else. It’s usually something really juicy, like your best friend’s STD- something you are just dying to tell all of your other friends or post on your blog. Maybe the best rule of thumb is to use common sense- if it’s something that you wouldn’t want other people spreading about you, it’s probably something you shouldn’t tell other people about someone else.

To put this in perspective, when I had my PU surgery (you can look this up on the internet but it involves removing a very “male” part of a cat’s anatomy) I really wanted to keep it quiet. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen and before you knew it everyone in the Castro was giving me a hard time. It’s such widespread knowledge now, I don’t even have to worry about sharing it on my own blog.

Yours truly,

Javier

Dear CA,

I do have fantastic manual dexterity, as you can see in the detailed photo of my paws on the coat hanger earlier this week. I am sorry to disappoint you on the opposable thumbs issue- cats don’t have them. I don’t have very good penmanship either. Our lack of opposable thumbs is the reason that cats get to lie on the floor all day and wait for people feed us instead of slaving away at some job 40+ hours a week.

Yours truly,

Javier

I have to admit, I am quite the athlete. While my poor balance and overall large size prevents me from competing in gymnastics (and at age 29 in cat years that makes me way too old, especially for the Chinese team at the Olympics) I have very strong front paws that are good for scratching. I also enjoy running up and down the hallway and wrestling with other cats.

Javier's coat hanger workout

I also make a habit of using ordinary household objects to get a workout, like coat hangers or paper bags. There is nothing like wrestling a bed full of coat hangers to work up a sweat (figuratively, not literally since cats don’t sweat). I haven’t found a personal trainer yet, in fact I’m thinking of becoming one myself!

Javier's paper bag workout